Alas, the perfect England midfielder is ‘sitting at home’ as hindsight is 20:20
The England press pack has decided that Lewis Cook should have been in the England squad all along. They just never mentioned it.
Mediawatch
England ‘never learn’ after patronising Austria, Swiss, Italians etc. with ‘lucky’ Euro 2024 draw
It is ‘patronising’ apparently to suggest the team ranked 43rd in the world is an easier opponent than the one ranked seventh. Mediawatch is grumpy today.
We reveal the one thing worse than England’s stinking performance against Slovenian rule-breakers
England were pretty bad against Slovenia in Cologne, but they absolutely were not alone in that regard, while rules and records were both ‘broken’.
‘Spud-flogger’ Lineker urged not to ‘rub those balls’ as England coverage goes mental
Over in Germany, the England press pack are losing their minds. Now they’re urging Gary Lineker to count his balls and pretending that Gareth Southgate would make ‘wholesale’ changes.
Southgate in ‘huge WAG U-turn’ by letting England players see families ‘despite’ Denmark draw
‘Gareth Southgate makes huge WAG U-turn’ is hilarious but actually just wrong. He will let England’s players see their families ‘despite’ the Denmark draw.
England bound for Euro 2024 glory thanks to druids and despite doom-mongers
This is why the rest of the world is confused by England. This is why the rest of the world thinks we are idiots.
England ‘secrets’ exposed as Southgate ‘refuses to play’ 19-goal striker
England manager Gareth Southgate is blowing some tiny minds by making Ollie Watkins pretend to be Serbian, while the ‘secret’ is out about the bikes.
Laura Woods ‘substitution’ makes headlines as Sun seeks boob clicks
Never mind the football, The Sun have crowbarred Laura Woods into seven Euro 2024 headlines already with the tease of boobs.
Jude Bellingham is Ali, Superman and Jesus Christ (and he has a fit dad)
We’re not saying that the England media has got carried away with Jude Bellingham, but he’s a matador, Jesus Christ, Superman and more rolled into one…
The ring has awoken as English media loses its mind over a finger Fitbit
Some England players have been seen wearing an Oura ring so of course it’s a ‘secret weapon smart ring’. And Kylian Mbappe is not sick.
Ten Hag given dreadful Man Utd transfer ‘war chest’ and The Sun wish they were relevant again
Erik ten Hag is destined to follow Sir Alex Ferguson as some ‘eerie similarities’ have emerged at Manchester United. And The Sun cannot let Baden-Baden go.
Germans deny England fans their booze but Grealish could return due to Euro 2024 ‘loophole’
The Sun bring us the biggest story not just in football but in the entire world as the build-up to Euro 2024 takes another turn for the deranged.
England now have FIVE Euro 2024 doubts including Jude Bellingham!
England cannot enter a major tournament without injury doubts and they now have FIVE, while Trent Alexander-Arnold is on trial for a place he already has…
England have an 80% chance of ‘huge disappointment’; welcome to hype week
England have a roughly one-in-five chance of winning Euro 2024 but it will be a ‘failure’ and a ‘huge disappointment’ if they drop short. Welcome to ‘build them up’ week…
Maguire ‘points blame’ and Maddison protests after Southgate ‘confronted’ by England star over Grealish
Gareth Southgate was ‘confronted’ by an England player over Jack Grealish, except he specifically definitely wasn’t. Harry Maguire ‘points blame’ either way.
James Maddison victim of ‘ruthless’ Southgate about to drop EIGHT stars
Are we supposed to be shocked about James Maddison? The England squad chat reaches nonsense places as Jermaine Pennant can’t count and picks Harry Maguire.
England set to ‘end their long wait for a trophy’ at Euro 2024 after debutant makes ‘history’
The Sun have changed their England tune after noticing that Adam Wharton is actually brilliant, while there’s yet more Euro 2024 Supercomputer whimsy.
England ‘tepid’ in 3-0 win as media lauds Palmer but ignores Eze and Grealish
England’s Euro 2024 trophy celebrations are on hold after their reserve side only won 3-0, as Cole Palmer is over-lauded while others are ignored.
Media confect jeopardy over England while the Mail bait their racist readers
The back pages would have us believe England dropping Jack Grealish would be a shock while MailOnline know what they are doing with ‘racist’ talk.
Ratcliffe given stupid idea by Custis before Sun journalist rages at ‘ignorant’ Manchester United player
Sir Jim Ratcliffe has been given one genius idea for free: take those ‘pampered’ Manchester United players back to where journalists can watch them easily.
‘Seismic boost’ to Arsenal hopes on Mbappe as Man Utd make a ‘U-turn’
There’s transfer nonsense and then there’s Kylian Mbappe to Arsenal, while Man Utd are making U-turns without even making a decision.
Man Utd ‘could’ sign ‘England star’ for ‘cut-price £40m’ while Champions League ‘nightmare’ awaits
When is an England star not an England star? And when is a nightmare not a nightmare? Mediawatch finds itself pondering some philosophical quandaries today.
Man Utd ‘HIJACKED’ and ‘humiliated’ because they must be a banter club
One thing that must ALWAYS be true: Man Utd are a banter club. So the media pretends they have been pied by Kieran McKenna and hijacked by Chelsea…
Fernandes drops worst ‘QUIT’ hint ever as Manchester United manager candidate Pochettino dismissed
Bruno Fernandes has rocked Manchester United on the eve of the FA Cup final by definitely hinting he might ‘QUIT’ – and not that ‘I don’t want to leave’.
Chelsea apparently oblivious to Man Utd wanting Pochettino over McKenna or Frank
Chelsea are acting quickly to replace Mauricio Pochettino with Kieran McKenna to save them from a Man Utd hijack, while one man obsesses about semantics.
Liverpool go from preacher to borderland priest while exit swipes and shortlists follow Poch news
A lot of Chelsea content around today, to nobody’s great surprise, but the most ludicrous thing anyone has said is still about Liverpool because it nearly always is.
Arne Slot is a ‘borderland priest’ and loads cleverer than Erik ten Hag, so there
Arne Slot is the ‘borderland priest’ from Bergentheim, where his friends think he is cleverer than that other Dutchman that must be mentioned…
And now the media must pretend Pep is off and Arsenal ‘best is yet to come’
We know why, but there really is some absolute tosh being written about Pep Guardiola leaving Man City this summer while Arsenal are on the up…
Two hints that Bruno Fernandes is definitely leaving Manchester United as Rashford ‘adds fuel to the fire’
Bruno Fernandes is pretty much certain to leave Manchester United this summer after greeting supporters and receiving a message from Marcus Rashford.
Bruno Fernandes gives worst ‘transfer ultimatum’ ever as Man Utd coverage goes mental
Man Utd won a game of football on Wednesday night but obviously the headlines are all about Bruno Fernandes, Sir Jim Ratcliffe and Marcus Rashford.
Spurs fans would rather Arsenal didn’t win the league and that has blown some tiny minds
There’s a lot of dreadful pious bollocks from dreadful pious hacks about Spurs fans and we’re going to gobble it all down with grateful, gleeful gusto.
Why oh why don’t Man Utd fans want ‘collegiate’ king of ‘husbandry’ Gareth Southgate?
Trust the Mail to produce over 1000 words on why Gareth Southgate should be the new Man Utd manager without really mentioning football…
Look at Rasmus Hojlund trying to stop Bukayo Saka in ‘baffling tactical tweak’
Antony was incensed but at least he wasn’t clearly directed to stop Bukayo Saka like Man Utd striker Rasmus Hojlund. Silly Erik ten Hag.